Shifting ambitions
My life has been all about tests, tests and more tests lately. It’s at times like this that I start to wonder why on earth I went back to school again. My grades have mostly been between 7.6 and 10 (on a scale of 1-10), which I’m quite happy with, and then there’s that 5.9 (which is still sufficient so fuck it) and a 5.3 (which is not sufficient so I’ll have to retake that one).
I was supposed to turn in a bunch of assignments last Monday, but I was simply too busy to do them. The teacher will probably give me more assignments for punishment. Honestly, WHY DID I GO BACK TO SCHOOL? All this work and getting punished when I don’t do it make me feel like I’m ten again. I’m so glad that it will all be over in July.
I haven’t decided yet what I’ll do when I am done with this. The original plan was to study business administration, but I’m not so sure anymore. I guess I’m just hoping that the perfect job opportunity will come along soon and I can just work happily for the next forty years. I really don’t see myself going to school for another eight years, which is funny because that’s just what I wanted a year or so ago.
Telling myself that I won’t go to school anymore after this still feels… wrong, somehow. I always pictured my future self as a university graduate and letting that go now feels quite unnatural and it’s kind of a letdown.
It still feels like I have something to prove to everyone, show them that crazy people can still achieve great things, and the only way to do it is to get that goddamned degree. That isn’t the only way, of course, but it feels that way. Maybe it’s time I let that notion go entirely.
I think I’d be perfectly happy with a nice job that didn’t make me rich and a family to go home to, which is entirely feasible even without a degree. Business women only have kids because they’ve got enough money to put them in child care 24/7. That’s not the life I want. Hell, I’d be happy being a SAHM except when I’m post carrier for a couple of hours twice a week (just to feel like I’m not entirely financially dependent). And what do you know, I just applied for exactly that job. Ha!
I guess it’s time to embrace the simple life, which might work just as well, or better, for me as any managerial position in some big bureaucratic machine that could swallow me whole. Here’s hoping that the little voice telling me that I’m worthless without a degree will shut up one day.