Should be well
Something strange is going on. I’ve been feeling quite dejected lately, but I have nothing to complain about. School is going better than I could ever have expected. I got an 8.5 (on a scale of 1-10) on my first test, everyone is really nice, and even though I still have panicky days — like yesterday when the thought of having to get petrol and driving all the way to school and back really freaked me out, but I went anyway — I’m still fully committed to making this work. Little victories like that used to make me feel quite good and proud of myself, but not this time. In spite of everything that’s going well, it always seems that everything always goes wrong.
Because I didn’t think that school would go this well, I went to see a psychologist again for the first time in years about a month and a half ago. I wanted to learn some coping skills in case something should happen and throw me completely off balance. I was disappointed when he told me his plan of action, because all the action would have to come from me. That makes perfect sense, of course, but it also made me think that I didn’t need him at all and having to see him every week would only put a lot of pressure on me. So I stopped seeing him after four or five sessions.
I’ll work on things when I’m ready. The only problem is that I often feel like I’m ready, but then the thought of having to climb the rest of the mountain makes me feel so weary and scared beforehand that I’d rather not do it at all. My head’s always reeling with anticipation, and it’s not really going anywhere, and I can’t even sit in a corner and wallow in self-pity because it’s not just me anymore. Rob’s trying so hard to understand and motivate and push me, but to no effect most of the time. So now he feels like all his life is about is working, eating and sleeping and I’m no fun to be around.
In addition to everything that’s going on in my head, there are physical side effects, like having no appetite. I ate four sandwiches yesterday, I’ve had two croissants today and my stomach does not protest. I love food, but even that chocolate letter in the kitchen drawer can’t tempt me now. If this persists I’ll be losing weight fast and I don’t want that. And then there’s sleep. I need so much sleep these days, it’s ridiculous.
I can only hope that all of this just goes away soon, because I really don’t need any of this. School is going well, I’m married to the most amazing and loving and caring person in the world, and of course not everything’s perfect, but who ever said that it should be. Begone ye demons!